10 Red Flags to Watch for at a Play Party (Especially If You’re a Woman)

Not all play parties are created equal. Some are erotic sanctuaries—safe, exhilarating, consent-centered. Others are performative facades hiding power imbalances, boundary violations, and covert entitlement. As someone who has attended, hosted, and curated dozens of play events in Los Angeles and beyond, I’ve seen both the best and the worst. I’ve felt deeply empowered—and I’ve also been cornered, manipulated, and disappointed.

It’s why I created my own events, the Boudoir Soirée. To raise the bar. To put women’s pleasure first. To make sure everyone—regardless of gender or experience—feels safe, seen, and sovereign in their body.

But if you’re exploring events outside my walls, here are the red flags I wish someone had handed me early on:

1. The Host Hits on the Guests

This is an instant red flag. A host’s job is to hold space, not to insert themselves into it—literally or energetically. I once walked into a well-known LA play party, excited and curious, only to be propositioned by the host before I even took off my coat. Years later, I returned with my girlfriend and—no surprise—he propositioned her too. It felt less like a curated space and more like a playground for his ego. I heard from many others that this was his M.O. This is a clear violation of ethics by a person in power. Women could feel expected to play with him if they want to continue being approved for his events.

If the person running the event is out for their own gratification, you’re not in a sanctuary, you’re on their hunting grounds.

2. Guests Aren’t Vetted

Consent culture starts before the party. Every guest should be vetted—ideally through a detailed application and a live or video interview. If anyone can just show up and pay their way in, you’re stepping into a potentially dangerous space. Vetting protects everyone, not just women. It ensures shared values, boundaries, and behavior norms. Vetting calls are also my opportunity to inform guests of my mission and for them to ask questions. I want to make sure our values align both ways.

3. Membership Should Not Be Guaranteed

A guest list is not a loyalty program. If someone violates consent, disrespects a boundary, or brings coercive energy to the room—they should not be welcomed back. I require every guest to agree to my code of conduct. One party is a privilege, not a passport.

If an organization allows repeat offenses because someone is a “member,” what they’re really saying is: your safety matters less than someone’s subscription.

4. No Safety Monitors or Point of Contact

Consent violations don’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it’s a vibe. A hand that lingers too long. A subtle pressuring. And when that happens, who do you tell?

Every party should have designated safety monitors—or at the very least, a clear contact person you can go to if anything feels off. If no one is visibly responsible for safety, the space isn’t safe.

As a host, this includes following up with guests after the party as well. If I find that they felt uncomfortable because of another guest’s behavior, I take action. Safety is a full-time job in such a vulnerable space.

5. The Party Prioritizes Male Pleasure

This may be subtle, but you’ll feel it. A male-heavy guest list. Women being treated as the entertainment. Energy that centers male gratification over mutual connection. And sometimes it’s even worse—when men pay more, and suddenly feel entitled to sex.

At my events, female pleasure is the compass. That doesn’t happen by accident—it takes structure. We set that tone through marketing, guest communication, orientation workshops, and the curated vibe of the night. Men learn how to be of service. Women learn they have permission to speak their needs and say no.

If you walk into a party and feel like a product instead of a person—leave.

6. Pressure to Play

I once attended a women’s party where they played spin the bottle. I didn’t want to kiss anyone, so I stood up. I was booed.

You should never be pressured to participate. Ice breakers are fine. Group activities can be fun. But no one should be coerced into touch, interaction, or performative intimacy. Boundaries must be respected even in the name of "fun."

7. Male Guests Act Entitled to Sex

If a party charges high ticket prices for male guests without screening for entitlement or ethics, it can create an ugly dynamic: men feeling like customers, and women becoming the product. I’ve seen parties run this way—and it’s a fast track to discomfort, imbalance, and danger.

No amount of money should grant access to you.

8. Men Running the Show Behind the Curtain

Deception is a red flag all on its own. I once attended a party in LA called “Kismet,” marketed as female-founded. At the party, I met one of the actual founders—a man. He casually admitted it was his company, despite the marketing implying otherwise. I followed up via message and was met with a hostile, defensive reply instead of a reassurance of safety.

Look, not every event needs to be women-only. But if an organization uses women as figureheads to draw in female attendees while men pull the strings behind the scenes, that’s not empowerment—it’s misrepresentation.

There is a difference between female-led and female-fronted.

9. No Communication or Consent Education

Consent isn’t intuitive for everyone—and it shouldn’t be treated as such. If there’s no consent speech, no orientation, no pre-party communication about rules of engagement, you’re walking into a consent vacuum.

At my events, education is embedded into the experience. Men attend a workshop on how to be of service. Women attend a separate one on claiming their boundaries and voice. This kind of structure doesn’t kill the mood—it creates it.

If your only “orientation” is the waiver you sign at the door, the hosts aren’t doing their job.

10. Profit is the clear mission

Some organizations scale too fast or too wide, expanding past their ability to provide a truly safe and well-organized experience. One major red flag is when an event is managed by people abroad with only loosely connected local representatives. Without experienced, dedicated local hosts who understand the culture, community, and venue landscape, these events often feel transactional and chaotic.

When profit becomes the central goal, guest experience always suffers. Safety becomes an afterthought. And the energy of the space reflects that misalignment.

You deserve more than an overpriced ticket and a disorganized night. You deserve an experience that respects your body, your time, and your power.

Final Thoughts: Trust Your Gut

The most important tool you have in any erotic space is your intuition. If something feels off, it probably is. You don’t need to justify your boundaries. You don’t owe anyone your participation.

A good play party should feel like a temple. Sacred. Electric. Safe. Anything less—walk away.

Better yet? Come to one of mine. Apply for my Boudoir Soirée today.